I have an unpopular opinion. Many spiritual and sex-positive communities encourage us to take on the belief “If it’s not a fuck-yes, then it’s a fuck-no.”
I’m a fuck-no to this mentality. On the surface, I get it. I do agree we should really feel into our bodies before making decisions and honor what comes up. But I also find this adage super limiting. I’m generally not a big fan of extreme black and white. It’s just not very tantric.
If I’m not a fuck-yes to something, I get real clear on where the resistance is coming from. Is the opportunity very clearly causing me to sacrifice my needs, boundaries, or values? If so, then maybe it is a fuck-no, or at least I get to be curious about what I’m sacrificing for.
On the other hand, very often the resistance comes up because the opportunity is just outside our comfort zone. It feels edgy. Our ego and the part of us that wants to survive wants to feel safe, and our comfort zone is safe.
But conversely there’s a lot of juicy life, lessons, and liberation just outside the comfort zone. When you’re not a fuck-yes, maybe it’s your ego trying to keep you small. Maybe it’s your past trauma getting in your way. Perhaps it’s societal conditioning that makes it feel safer if you follow the pack? It’s worth getting curious about.
The “If it’s not a fuck-yes, it’s a fuck-no” perspective can be really disempowering, especially to people who are able to consent to a sexual act (or any kind of act/opportunity) without jumping for joy about it. Sex workers and asexual individuals may appear to be quite different on the surface, but they both may experience this sensation more regularly.
Both may consent to sex without feeling completely turned on by the idea, but still genuinely want to give it a go or are at least open to exploring sexually, albeit for likely different reasons or motivations. We ALL do things from time to time that we’re not a full fuck-yes about for one reason or another. Let your decision to lean into other parts of your life give you permission to consider the bigger picture sexually as well.
This does not mean sacrificing your hard-no or boundaries. Pushing your edges will feel, well, edgy! But it shouldn’t put you in impending physical danger or retraumatize you. When pushing edges, it helps to create a structure or framework so you feel you can backtrack or redirect if needed. This may look like time-boxing a new activity or asking more questions so you feel empowered with information. When it comes to pushing your edges, get curious about what you need to feel safe and empowered.