“Sexy Consent Skills” By Leola w/ Valentin
Consent is SO sexy. But I didn’t always think so. Communicating in the bedroom used to really challenge and confuse me. I believed it ruined the mood. We’re conditioned to believe sex and intimacy should be entirely spontaneous. And honestly, the thought of pausing mid-hookup to awkwardly mumble, “Can I stick it in,” still makes my stomach do flips – and not the good kind. Maybe you relate?
Consent can be sexy. Communicating our desires and boundaries allows us to get out of our heads and into our bodies. Think about it, when we take the time to say, “I like this…,” we’re not in our heads thinking, “I wish she would ….” When we take the time to say, “I’m not feeling up to anal penetration…,” we’re not worried about him inching his hand closer and closer to our ass. When we take the lead and ask our partners what they desire and what’s feeling off limits, we drastically minimize the risk of getting caught in a “me too” moment, and we create space for healing in our partnerships.
From my personal experience and having witnessed and guided thousands of individuals in erotic settings, the number one thing that hinders pleasure and keeps orgasms at bay is being stuck in our heads. In moments of intimacy, it’s far too easy to get caught in mind drama instead of being present for the pleasure available.
Deep down, we need to feel safe. We can’t truly receive pleasure until we are in a comfortable space. We can’t be incredibly spontaneous until we know we’re not going to accidentally cause an irreversible consequence. What do we need to feel safe? We need to communicate with one another. We need to take responsibility for our bodies and our pleasure and ask for consent.
Here are 3 tips to do so in a way that makes her wet and takes him to pound town:
- Make it a part of the foreplay. Instead of considering consent a box that needs to be checked, introduce desires over dinner. This is like preheating the oven for super hot intimacy. Consider phrases like, “What do you want to do to me?” or “What turns you on?” Use these phrases to direct the conversation into talking about boundaries. For example, I may respond to one of these questions with, “I’m really into kink and BDSM, but I save it for partners I have an established relationship with, so let’s table that for tonight. But I’d love some sensual connection. What about you?”
- Don’t take boundaries or desires personally. Consider every “rejection” as a “redirection.” If something you desire is not available for this coupling, get curious about what else is available, or what you can do to create space and safety to make that desire a reality in the future. If your partner makes a request for something else, don’t assume you’re doing it “wrong” or you’re not a good lover. Applaud them for giving you the cheat code to their body.
- Be playful. All the weight and awkwardness we put on eroticism is conditioned from our elders, church, and society. Let that shit go. Give yourself permission to try something new, to be awkward, and to laugh along the way. Consider approaching your intimate moments as if you are a teenager exploring naked bodies for the first time. There is so much more available in sex than just penis in vagina. Sex is sacred play, and consent enhances that.
Be safe, be love, Leola
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